NEVER LET THE DOG OUT IN YOUR SLIPPERS
My Apple watch vibrates. I'm half on the ladder, half on the mini-roof about to shimmy my way into a second-floor window.
The words of my neighbor, who loaned me his ladder, echo in my mind: "If you fall, at least you'll fall on that nice, soft bush."
I'm contemplating whether to go in legs first or head first, and I feel the gentle tapping of the watch on my wrist. I haven't had my coffee; I'm wearing a cobbled-together outfit of capri sweatpants with men's knee-high sweat socks (the heel is partway up the back of my leg) under a very long and flowy dress, perhaps the second most unflattering dress I've ever owned. I'm wearing a Michigan hoodie over a thermal shirt and my winter coat. At least, save the maize and blue, I'm color coordinated. I would not intentionally wear this combination of clothes anywhere -- not even Wal-Mart.
Wait, what did I just realize?
I'm wearing a phone on my wrist. I have my emails, messages, and contacts.
In the moments before being safely inside -- I realized I had everything I needed the whole time.
I go in the window headfirst, and I'm glad I've got the comfy chair right under the window. I pause and wonder if anyone from the road behind me sees my legs sticking out the window as they zoom by.
I'm thinking in this pause: I'm glad my neighbor had an appointment and had to dash. I'm glad I had to do this on my own. I'm glad I didn't have to pay somebody a bunch of money to pick my lock.
After wriggling inside, I open the front door. Bernie bounds towards me with oh-my-God-I-thought-I'd-never-see-you-again fury. We sit on the couch, and I calm him down with scratches and rubs, and I think:
I'm glad it's Monday morning and not Sunday night. I'm glad I always wear sturdy shoes. I'm glad it's above freezing and sunny outside. I'm glad it's dry. I'm glad I put on my watch before coffee, even if I forgot about it. Sometimes it's like that, though: we completely forget how we've equipped ourselves beforehand for the inevitable jams of life.
And thank God for neighbors with ladders.
By the way, you can follow Bernie on Instagram @bernieboydog.